Seasons greetings and congratulations!
You’ve been selected by __Jonny Waldman___, of ___Emeryville, CA___ , and pre-approved by ValueAddedHolidays, LLC, the internationally-recognized leading creator of Premium Quality Customized Branded Holiday Gift Solutions (PQCBHGS’s), to receive a unique, personalized holiday message!!!
[sponsored advertisement]
VIAGRA — longer, faster, deeper, harder. Great boners make a perfect xmas gift. No Rx necessary. Jesus [...]

[Published in The Bold Italic]
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If you build it, they will come: this is the lesson.
If you build it, and it is a network of 12 million miles of paved roads — enough roads to circle the planet 500 times — the cars will come. They’ve come into our cities, our homes, our way of life. [...]

Elbows / Spam / Books / Teas / eBay / Aphorisms / Bands / Marketing / Anatomy
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ADDITIONAL ELBOW-RELATED PUBLIC HEALTH PRECAUTIONS FROM THE CDC REGARDING THE TRANSMISSION OF SWINE FLU
11/10/09
*Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze.  If
you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow; not into
your [...]

[Compiled during my tenure as Head Honcho of Zero Per Gallon]
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August, 2009: A Minnesota woman, caught with a shaved, spraypainted, tied-up goat in the trunk of her car, is charged with animal cruelty.
March, 2009:  Assemblyman Gregory Ball, known for promoting animal rights legislation, finds a dead goat on his doorstep in Patterson, NY.
January, 2009: Police [...]

[Published in The Bold Italic]
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This is a stakeout.
I’ve showed up at the San Francisco Public Library early, locked my bike in the middle of the Grove Street bike rack — one of the most notorious for bike theft in the city –  and sat down 100 feet away with my hood up and my video-camera [...]

[Published on Outside's blog]
Holiday / Years / Faith / Costs / Knocked
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{A glorious holiday – 7/17/09}
In honor of Independence Day, and brave adventurers like Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, I dug up an American flag from the wet locker and hung the stars and bars from backstay. I hate to get all jingoistic, but there’s [...]

[Published on Outside's blog]
Advice / Perspective / Shit / Lumber / Hump
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{Free Advice – 6/10/09}
There’s no shortage of advice at the marina. One guy in particular, Steel Boat Jim, who I refer to as Maine Guy on account of his Downeast accent, is a treasure trove. You’d be hard-pressed to carry on a conversation with [...]

[Published on Outside's blog]
Love / War / Cult / Inspiration / Aesthetics
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{Love or Hate – 5/7/09}
There’s a sign above the cash registers at Svenden’s, the local chandlery, that says, “Sailing: spending lots of time wet, cold, and uncomfortable only to go nowhere at great expense.” I always find it doubly funny that boat owners, about [...]

[Published on Outside's blog]
Intro / Holes / Wind / Jank / Metal
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{Intro – 4/1/09}
My sailboat and I are both 31 years old, and the disparity between the amount of maintenance we require is staggering. I require pasta, beer, a toothbrush, an hour or two of exercise each day, and six hours of sleep each night. [...]

SUMMARY / AWESOME’S STORY / YOUTH, AND GENDER REVELATION / FELINE ADOLESCENCE / ALLEGED ABANDONMENT / BLATANT FALSEHOODS
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SUMMARY
Awesome the cat is a rugged beast who roams the Mt. Pleasant neighborhood of Washington, DC, particularly Kilbourne and 18th streets. He has exceptionally thick black fur, with white spots on his feet, chest, and stomach. His whiskers [...]

[Published in issue #42-300]
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BONESHAKER (Evan P. Schneider and Michael Matson): On your website, you offer paraphernalia for bicyclists to buy and display, offering riders a chance to “Be righteous! Be contemptuous!” and to “Make drivers jealous with the original Zero Per Gallon (ZPG) sticker.” To what extent do you think that a haughty, better-than-thou attitude [...]

Here’s hoping in this festive season,
that the pavement beneath you be dry and the air in your lungs be clean;
that your bike remain trusty,
and your butt stay lean.
That your chain be perfectly lubed,
and your gear ratios just right;
that your nether regions remain sensitive;
and your blinky light shine bright.
That your bike rides be speedy,
and your burritos [...]

A loud noise woke me in the middle of the night. A low, recurring squeak, like something rubbing against the wall. This was three weeks ago, at 4:00 A.M. I crawled out of bed to go deal with it. Naked, I climbed upstairs, and then outside. It was cold and windy, and not as dark [...]

Good evening from Hofstra University in New York, and welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates and by Taco Bell. I’m Jonny Waldman, a new media consultant hired by CBS News to improve ratings and viewership. Bob Schieffer declined at the last minute to host tonight’s [...]

A PRAYER FOR BICYCLISTS
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I beseech You, Lord of the Velorution,
Give us this day our daily burrito and restore our leg muscles, such that our godly bicycle riding can continue gracefully and safely under Thy protection, Amen.
May You not allow our rears not grow numb nor sore nor weary, nor allow our joints to become weak [...]

[FROM WRITTEN ON THE CITY, WHICH WAS JUST PUBLISHED]
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9/15/83, 2:50 A.M. – 25 year-old Brooklyn artist and model Michael Stewart is arrested by transit police for scrawling graffiti with felt markers in a subway station at First Avenue and 14th Street. He is hogtied, then repeatedly kicked and beaten by a total of 11 police [...]

[FROM WRITTEN ON THE CITY, WHICH WAS JUST PUBLISHED]
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A psychologist in New Zealand found that graffiti in female restrooms tended to be more “polite and interactive,” whereas graffiti from male restrooms was more “argumentative and negative.” Economists in Brazil found that women from Brazil were four times as likely to write graffiti about sex as [...]

Mexico / Yosemite / Downieville / Lassen / Baja
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Mexico Travel Tips
9/29/08
I recently returned from my seventh trip to Mexico, and having climbed, sailed, and surfed throughout the country, came up with a few tips for travelers headed that way:
*Before your buddies insist on calling everyone they meet a cabron — even the cashier at the [...]

[Written for a client of the Vega Project]
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March 14, 175 A.D. – Marcus Aurelius, a bit drunk after an epic feast, jumps into the bathhouse with a handful of green olive branches, reputedly muttering, “Viridium ab uno ad omnes!” (”green from one to all!”) and, “Alea viridis iacta est!” (”the green dye is cast!”). The [...]

[Published in McSweeney's]
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JONNY’S LEGAL ADVISERS HEREBY INFORM YOU OF JONNY’S WISH THAT YOU ENJOY A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY*
* If this message has arrived erroneously, and/or you are not Jonny’s girlfriend, please delete it and any copies of it immediately. Physical or electronic reproduction of this memo without express permission from Jonny’s legal advisers is prohibited, [...]

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I made “Work Week” [Quicktime or YouTube] during the first five days of June, 2007, at the Grand Teton Climbers’ Ranch, in Northwestern Wyoming. The GTCR is a rustic hostel/hangout spot for Teton climbers, run on a tiny budget by the American Alpine Club. Because of the harsh weather, the ranch is only open from [...]

[ The Legal Disclaimer for Zero Per Gallon (ZPG) ]
1 – USER AGREEMENT
2 – TERMS
3 – RISKS
4 – PRIVACY
5 – GENERAL PURPOSE
6 – SECURITY
7 – ABUSE
8 – LINKS
9 – DAMAGES
10 – LIABILITY
11 – JURISDICTION
12 – LIMITATIONS
13 – SMALL PRINT
1) USER AGREEMENT
HEREIN, “YOU” AND “YOUR” AND “YOUR SORRY ASS” AND “SUCKA” REFER TO YOU, YOUR COMPANY, [...]

[ The Corporate Philosophy at Zero Per Gallon (ZPG) ]
As the CE/BB (Chief Executive/Big Banana) at ZPG, Jonny5 works proactively 24/7/365 to competitively leverage ZPG’s core competencies by optimizing end-to-end value propositions that maximize ultradynamic, real-time partnerships with financially-responsive clients. In order to actionably capitalize on such mission-critical synergies, ZPG integrates consumer-driven, multi-function networks in [...]

[ Frequently Asked Questions for Zero Per Gallon (ZPG) ]
Q: What’s with the goats?
A: I hate them.
Q: Can you be friends with people who have goats?
A: Nope. I mean, can you be partly vegetarian? Or just a little bit celibate? When it comes to goats, there’s no room for moral lassitude. My life is goatless, [...]

Hanksville, UT is no hot spot, but it is the epicenter of some of the best canyoneering in the world. In October of 2006, 17 friends — most of them newbies — met there for a week of canyoneering. Canyoneering is more or less climbing + hiking + scampering + swimming + slithering + anything [...]

We expected the electrical storms, and we were prepared for the cold, gusty wind. We were ready, too, for the rain and snow, which rendered the final traverse a terrifying solo across wet, slippery slabs. Matt and I were ready because we’d been waiting to climb Mt. Moran -– or anything, for that matter [...]

[Published in the Washington Post, March 1, 2004]
I was born in Detroit, Michigan, and got my first cavity when I was six years old, on my fourth dentist visit – at least, that’s when it was first identified. Actually, I got my first four cavities then, all of them hidden away in the dark recesses [...]

When you sleep in a hotel for weeks instead of days, for fortnights rather than nights — when you reside, fully moved-in, rather than merely stay in a hotel — you begin to notice things that typical, ephemeral guests do not. When the staff here, at the Hotel Commonwealth (500 Commonwealth Ave., Boston) smile, they [...]

I once walked into Bikes Not Bombs “World Headquarters” in Roxbury, Massachusetts and saw Jeff Bayard, the shop manager there, working on a green Raleigh M30. The bike had no seat post, so he dug around through piles of old bicycle junk for one that would fit. Seat posts come in about 20 sizes, in [...]

I remember, years ago, watching as the group of kids on my trip progressed through that all-too-familiar set of stages: we formed, we stormed, we transformed, and we (say it with me) performed. This year, as a Course Director, I abandoned aspirations of partaking in that elegant evolution, and instead, danced a variation on it. [...]

[Published in High Country News]
GRAND TETON NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. (11,600’) – With the Middle Teton Glacier glistening on one side, the jagged West Face of the Grand Teton looming above on the other, and most of eastern Idaho spread out like a tablecloth far below, the Lower Saddle is a breathtaking place.
But something else is [...]

[Published in High Country News]
Look out, you water scofflaws – it’s “water-efficiency month,” and enforcement agencies across the West will not look lightly upon water-wasting infractions. Water cops are tossing out tickets that range from a slap on the wrist (and a free how-to-conserve-water brochure) for leaky faucets, to a $1,000 fine and up to [...]

[Published in High Country News]
In a slow, warm voice, replete with “yahs” and “oh, sures,” 76-year-old farmer Roger Shea recalls the hot June day in 1988, when water engineers first paid him a visit. “They came out here and said that they were going to build it,” he says. “It” was a $20 million dam [...]

Bouldering isn’t really about bouldering. Every boulderer knows that. Bouldering—the actual behaving-like-monkeys-and-scampering-up-rocks part—is great fun, but bouldering is really an excuse to gather socially like monkeys, to discuss and ponder life, politics, work, or more often the case girls.
This trip was definitely about girls. Or, at least, a girl. E, who is a man, and [...]

On the third day, god made land and plants, and both of those things were (and still are) good. On my third day, I made Macastrone, and it was good, too. No, wait: it was awesome.
I had just made the most significant purchase I’d make all summer, an 88-cent can-opener, so from that day on, [...]

[Published in the Chronicle of Higher Education]
Until recently, I lived in an abandoned church.
Inside, when afternoon sun poured through the windows, a beautiful hardwood
floor glowed orange like a bed of embers raked flat. Looking at it from
across the street, you could see a large multicolored stained-glass window
high above the doorway. Looking up even higher, you [...]

“If the rush and sizzle of life make you hunger for durable goods, if your blood pressure goes up and down with the stock market or baseball scores or political polls, if you fret about pulling off the monthly balancing act in your checkbook, if the world has spun you dizzy–you would do well to [...]

Ten miles northwest of Washington, D.C., the Potomac River roars and rumbles as it drops, brown and bubbling, over Great Falls. In the entire course of the river, this rapid stands out as the largest, both in volume and height. Every year one or two people drown there, even though signs make it clear enough [...]

[Cover story in the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine, November, 1999]
60 crazy college students. 53 miles of trail. 24 hours of mind-numbing, grueling, bipedal locomotion.
“Only half of you will make it all the way to Moosilauke,” announces Ted to 60 energetic Dartmouth students in the basement of Robinson Hall. As the organizer of the hike, Ted’s trying [...]