Elbows / Spam / Books / Teas / eBay / Aphorisms / Bands / Marketing / Anatomy
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ADDITIONAL ELBOW-RELATED PUBLIC HEALTH PRECAUTIONS FROM THE CDC REGARDING THE TRANSMISSION OF SWINE FLU
11/10/09
*Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze.  If
you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow; not into
your [...]

[Compiled during my tenure as Head Honcho of Zero Per Gallon]
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August, 2009: A Minnesota woman, caught with a shaved, spraypainted, tied-up goat in the trunk of her car, is charged with animal cruelty.
March, 2009:  Assemblyman Gregory Ball, known for promoting animal rights legislation, finds a dead goat on his doorstep in Patterson, NY.
January, 2009: Police [...]

SUMMARY / AWESOME’S STORY / YOUTH, AND GENDER REVELATION / FELINE ADOLESCENCE / ALLEGED ABANDONMENT / BLATANT FALSEHOODS
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SUMMARY
Awesome the cat is a rugged beast who roams the Mt. Pleasant neighborhood of Washington, DC, particularly Kilbourne and 18th streets. He has exceptionally thick black fur, with white spots on his feet, chest, and stomach. His whiskers [...]

[Published in issue #42-300]
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BONESHAKER (Evan P. Schneider and Michael Matson): On your website, you offer paraphernalia for bicyclists to buy and display, offering riders a chance to “Be righteous! Be contemptuous!” and to “Make drivers jealous with the original Zero Per Gallon (ZPG) sticker.” To what extent do you think that a haughty, better-than-thou attitude [...]

Here’s hoping in this festive season,
that the pavement beneath you be dry and the air in your lungs be clean;
that your bike remain trusty,
and your butt stay lean.
That your chain be perfectly lubed,
and your gear ratios just right;
that your nether regions remain sensitive;
and your blinky light shine bright.
That your bike rides be speedy,
and your burritos [...]

Good evening from Hofstra University in New York, and welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates and by Taco Bell. I’m Jonny Waldman, a new media consultant hired by CBS News to improve ratings and viewership. Bob Schieffer declined at the last minute to host tonight’s [...]

A PRAYER FOR BICYCLISTS
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I beseech You, Lord of the Velorution,
Give us this day our daily burrito and restore our leg muscles, such that our godly bicycle riding can continue gracefully and safely under Thy protection, Amen.
May You not allow our rears not grow numb nor sore nor weary, nor allow our joints to become weak [...]

[Published in McSweeney's]
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JONNY’S LEGAL ADVISERS HEREBY INFORM YOU OF JONNY’S WISH THAT YOU ENJOY A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY*
* If this message has arrived erroneously, and/or you are not Jonny’s girlfriend, please delete it and any copies of it immediately. Physical or electronic reproduction of this memo without express permission from Jonny’s legal advisers is prohibited, [...]

Bouldering isn’t really about bouldering. Every boulderer knows that. Bouldering—the actual behaving-like-monkeys-and-scampering-up-rocks part—is great fun, but bouldering is really an excuse to gather socially like monkeys, to discuss and ponder life, politics, work, or more often the case girls.
This trip was definitely about girls. Or, at least, a girl. E, who is a man, and [...]