Elbows / Spam / Books / Teas / eBay / Aphorisms / Bands / Marketing / Anatomy

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ADDITIONAL ELBOW-RELATED PUBLIC HEALTH PRECAUTIONS FROM THE CDC REGARDING THE TRANSMISSION OF SWINE FLU
11/10/09

*Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze.  If
you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow; not into
your hands.

*Minimize nudging, prodding, and elbowing. Poking is OK, as long as
it’s not near elbow regions.

*Use modified hugging procedures, as detailed in a video on the CDC’s
website, www.myhealthyelbows.gov, to minimize elbow-to-body contact.
Use disposable sterile elbow covers, available at most drug stores, if
absolutely necessary. Discard of elbow covers as you would any other
biohazard.

*Refrain from reaching into long/narrow places, as accidental elbow
contact is likely.

*Discontinue certain dances: the hokey pokey, the chicken dance, all
square dances, and any other dance procedure involving wild and/or
aggressive elbow activity.

*Do not lean on elbows, especially in public places and at tables or
bars. Armrests are not OK. If exhaustion and/or fatigue make elbow
leaning necessary, use CDC-approved elbow covers, and dispose of them
properly.

*Practice good elbow hygiene by washing your elbows often with soap
and water, especially after coughing or sneezing. Be sure to scrub
outer elbow (medial epicondyle, or “wenis”) extra well, as germs can
hide in the folds of wrinkly skin. Alcohol-based elbow cleaners are
also effective.

*Modify standing “at-ease” posture such that inner elbows (lateral
epicondyles) are not forced into ribcage. Clasping hands gently behind
back is OK.

*Do not cross arms, even in critical business or social situations, or
when otherwise under pressure, uncomfortable, standoffish, defensive,
antagonized, confused, ponderous, or isolated. If absolutely
necessary, wear sterile gloves and elbow covers, and dispose of them
properly afterward.

*Do not store long-sleeved articles of clothing, such as shirts,
jackets, coats, and sweaters against one another.

*Mark all contaminated clothing with CDC-approved bright yellow tags,
as required by federal law. Tags are available for free at most drug
stores and supermarkets.

*Store clothing with contaminated or potentially-contaminated elbows
in a separate CDC-approved “elbows only” laundry bag. Wash these items
separately, in a separate washing machine, with bleach, in an isolated
facility. If not possible, discard these clothes.

*Discontinue mending old clothes, as installation of elbow patches,
buttons, cuffs, hems, and/or zippers increases potential elbow contact
scenarios.

*Remember that arm-wrestling can now be prosecuted as a Class II
felony, carrying a penalty of up to 5 years in prison and a fine of
$100,000.

*If you see someone practicing risky or illegal elbow behavior, call
the CDC Elbow Hotline, at 1-(888)-MY-ELBOW, or alert a local law
enforcement official by dialing 911.

*For further information and updates, consult the CDC’s website on
Elbow-Related Transmission of Swine Flu (ERTSF), at www.myhealthyelbows.gov
.

*Talk with your health care providers about whether you should have an
elbow amputation.

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WEST COAST SPAM
10/25/09

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FLEX your muscles… on a BIKE tour in Italy…

Want to be more MANLY? We have an outrageous selection of hoola hoops…

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NEW BOOKS FOR THE PERFECTIONIST IN YOUR LIFE
8/31/09

-So You’re Becoming a Perfectionist (Just Like Your Father)

-How to Suck the Most Possible Fun Out of Life

-Raise Your Standards and Annoy Everybody!

-The Perfectionist’s Guide to Having a “Good Time”

-How to Design, Build, and Maintain the Perfect Library of “How To” Books

-Zooming In: Imperfections and Their Causes

-101 Things to Know Once You Already Know Everything

-Secret Techniques for Finding Mistakes and Blunders

-Micromanagement: Tricks of the Trade

-Priorities: Why Everything Matters Now, and Nothing Can Wait Until Later

-101 More Things to Know Once You Already Know Everything

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THE RECESSION-INDUCED DISSOLUTION OF MY EMOTIONAL WELLBEING, AS TOLD THROUGH WOULD-BE BRAND-NAME TEAS
5/7/09

Prosperi Tea
Quali Tea
Masculini Tea
Fecundi Tea
Sereni Tea
Austeri Tea
Fragili Tea
Temeri Tea
Absurdi Tea
Indigni Tea
Increduli Tea
Animosi Tea
Frivoli Tea
Mendaci Tea
Brutali Tea
Vulgari Tea
Pauci Tea
Calami Tea
Pi Tea
Bipolari Tea
Pover Tea
Duplici Tea
Immorali Tea
Depravi Tea
Insani Tea

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LUKEWARM EBAY FEEDBACK
3/27/09

Depending on your definition of “good,” product arrived more or less as advertised!!!
Postage was firmly attached to box!!!!!
Seller does not have a criminal record!!!
Product has no mold or mildew and does not smell like vomit!!!!
Name and address on product were legible and spelled correctly!!!
Bubble wrap used as packing material was full of genuine air!!!!
Return address was properly positioned in upper left corner — exactly where it should be!!!
Seller only charged 8.5% sales tax!!!!!
Cardboard box is reusable, and recycleable in most states!!!!!
Seller is moderately proficient with email and replied to most inquiries!!!!
Pleasant transaction — no hassles or threats or coercion!!!!!
Payment by notarized, certified cashier’s check is annoying, but not terrible!!!
Seller’s ebay store has nice graphics!!!!
Product appears genuine, or very very very good imitation!!!!

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APHORISMS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON
3/19/09

16.5 one way, half the ounces in a Nalgene bottle the other
5 one way, half of your metatarsals the other
3 one way, half the number of beers in a six-pack the other
106 one way, halfway to the boiling point of water, in degrees Fahrenheit, the other
4 one way, half the number of pounds in a gallon of water the other
800 one way, half the meters in a mile the other
5 followed by 99 zeroes, half a googol the other

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BAND NAMES THAT BABA, YOUR JEWISH GRANDMA, WOULD NOT APPROVE OF
1/28/09

Dr. Dreidel
Gephilte Phish, w/Leftover Lox
Limp Brisquet
Supatraif
Axl Rosenberg
Abba

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YOUR LANGUAGE. YOUR ECONOMY. YOUR RIDICULOUS MARKETING THEME.
12/5/08

your security. your taxes. your local police department.
your desire. your money. your monthly credit card statement.
your health. your privacy. your public urinal.
your satisfaction. your thirst. your disposable coffee cup.
your freedom. your safety. your orange traffic cone.
your hygiene. your comfort. your toilet paper.
your personality. your style. your pre-washed snarky t-shirt.
your energy. your mobility. your gas station.
your pleasure. your bachelorhood. your lubricated condom.
your future. your retirment. your pre-recorded television gameshow.

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MALE ANATOMY: SPAM OR SHAKESPEARE?
4/10/08

1) dart of love

2) one inch wonder

3) three inch fool

4) willy

5) roger

6) huge male meat

7) thumping latoya

8) potent regiment

9) potato finger

10) codpiece

11) trouser mouse

12) great tool

13) long tool

14) good root

15) bouffant body part

16) great natural

17) poll axe

18) sword

19) weapon

20) baby carrot

21) little finger

22) one-eyed monster

23) holy thistle

24) pizzle

25) prick

26) instrument

27) organ

28) stump

29) thing

30) cock

31) winter power

32) queen size fuck stick

Answers: 1) shakespeare; 2) spam; 3) shakespeare; 4) spam; 5) shakespeare; 6) spam; 7) spam; 8) shakespeare; 9) shakespeare; 10) shakespeare; 11) spam; 12) shakespeare; 13) shakespeare; 14) shakespeare; 15) spam; 16) shakespeare; 17) shakespeare; 18) shakespeare; 19) shakespeare; 20) spam; 21) shakespeare; 22) spam; 23) shakespeare; 24) shakespeare; 25) shakespeare; 26) shakespeare; 27) shakespeare; 28) shakespeare; 29) shakespeare; 30) shakespeare; 31) spam; 32) spam