Seasons greetings and congratulations!

You’ve been selected by __Jonny Waldman___, of ___Emeryville, CA___ , and pre-approved by ValueAddedHolidays, LLC, the internationally-recognized leading creator of Premium Quality Customized Branded Holiday Gift Solutions (PQCBHGS’s), to receive a unique, personalized holiday message!!!

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Now, for the first time ever, you have the incredible opportunity to experience this joyous holiday like never before! ValueAddedHolidays, LLC, founded in 2009, is able to offer this 100% free customized message thanks to the telephone, the internet, the post office, the advertising industry, Nevada State liability law, and the most-advanced speech-recognition software on the market. In other words: this amazing new service is a technological marvel, and the value-add in every PQCBHGS should be obvious. We’re willing to bet you’ve never received a PQCBHGS like this before! Say buh-bye to old-fashioned, boring, simplistic, and otherwise problematic paper cards, and say hello to the future, with a PQCBHGS — the most modern, customizable, interactive, and easy-to-use personalized holiday communication solution system ever invented!

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In fact, before presenting you with a PQCBHGS from __Jonny Waldman___, of ___Emeryville, CA___ , ValueAddedHolidays, LLC, and our partner advertisers want to present you with a special offer. We’re so sure you’ll enjoy this holiday communication service that we’re offering you the opportunity to join the prestigious ValueAddedHolidays, LLC network for free and receive an extra 35% allotted word count on your first PQCBHGS — because Valentine’s Day and Easter and more holidays are just around the corner, and we bet you’d love to send a PQCBHGS of your own. After all, there’s always something cheerful to say! Don’t wait, because deals like this don’t last, and ValueAddedHolidays, LLC won’t be able to offer these incredible services for free forever. So call soon, and start communicating the modern way, with ValueAddedHolidays, LLC. Just use the code CAWALDJ35. Celebrate Christmas like a Tiger,* with ValueAddedHolidays, LLC.
(*ValueAddedHolidays, LLC is not in any way affiliated with Tiger Woods or Accenture.)

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But wait, there’s more! Our PQCBHGS’s are loaded with even MORE value-adds. Over at ValueAddedHolidays, LLC, we’re carbon-neutral, 100% vegan, and our personalized holiday messages contain no additives, preservatives, hormones, or genetically-modified organisms. We use only soy-based inks, and we keep kosher, too! We also guarantee that our featured advertisers are family friendly and are legally operating in some country/countries!!!

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That’s all from us at ValueAddedHolidays, LLC.– now sit back, relax, and enjoy! Your PQCBHGS, from  __Jonny Waldman___, of ___Emeryville, CA___  is below.

Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, etc. etc.,

ValueAddedHolidays, LLC
custom. holiday. communication. solutions.
1-(800)-PQC-BHGS
PO Box 391986, Las Vegas NV 89117

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Your personalized holiday message*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Is this working? Hello? Hello?

Uh, hi everyone — friends, colleagues, mom, dad. it’s Jonny, calling — uh, I mean, writing, I guess — to wish you happy holidays and and seasons greetings.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukkah! Happy Kwanza!

Sorry for not sending out holiday cards to you individually, but who has time for that anymore, right? And, well, you know what a technophile I am, so I’m doing a little experiment this year. My buddy James told me about this new startup, and it just seemed too good to be true. I mean, sending out Christmas cards is sort of a pain in the ass, right — and this company does it for you! Plus, they sound really professional, and you know what kind of standards I have.

They told me this message would have a few advertisements on it, like ads in magazines, you know, which pay for the whole enterprise. I’ve been promised that they are unobtrusive and that, furthermore, they are targeted to your demographic, so hopefully the ads are for things you need anyway. I dunno what you got, but I’m guessing that if I’d sent myself a card, I’d probably have gotten ads for fifty percent off boxes of macaroni and cheese or a really sweet pair or skis, or cool stuff like that.

Anyway, the company, value added holidays, is just starting, and they’re still fine tuning the system, you know, making it scalable and stuff, but so far it’s really awesome. All you do is go to their website, upload your address book, and then call their 800 number, type in a code that they texted to you, start talking, like I am now. Then, using speech recognition software, they digitally transcribe it, and squish it into a PDF, and email it out — all for free! Also, they do a little bit of internet research on you guys, so that they can figure out what kind of ads to put in. It really is smart, and you know how much I hate Hallmark cards.

Anyway, I just wanted to say happy holidays and merry christmas and happy hannukkah and kwanza and all of the other ones, and i hope this message finds you well and warm, maybe in a lazyboy chair next to a fireplace, but not one of those stupid fake gas-burning fireplaces; you know I can’t stand those.

Also, I wanted to let you know that this year’s xmas mix, a really good one, is available online, at goatless productions dot com.

Hmm. I wonder how to get this thing to stop recording. Am I supposed to hit the pound button? That didn’t work. Shit. I wonder if… [beep] uhhh. [Beep]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*End of your personalized holiday message*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We hope you’ve enjoyed your unique, personalized holiday message!

ValueAddedHolidays, LLC
custom. holiday. communication. solutions.
1-(800)-PQC-BHGS
PO Box 391986, Las Vegas NV 89117

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