Jonny Waldman, who writes with his nose so that both hands are free to fend off goats, hereby offers a couple of funny pieces featured in McSweeney's, and a couple good-but-nevertheless-rejected pieces.
*** JONNY'S MCSWEENEY'S PIECES ***
[Published February 14, 2008]
Jonny's legal advisers hereby inform you of Jonny's wish that you enjoy a happy Valentine's Day, as well as the enclosed small personal gift.*
- - - -
* If this message has arrived erroneously, and/or you are not Jonny's girlfriend, please delete it and any copies of it immediately. Physical or electronic reproduction of this memo without express permission from Jonny's legal advisers is prohibited, and punishable by state, federal, and/or international laws.
As a designated recipient of this memo, you are immediately and indefinitely subject to the conditions, provisions, constraints, liabilities, responsibilities, and limitations of this memo as set forth by Jonny's legal advisers, as outlined below. This memo supersedes all other comparable Valentine's Day memos, verbal or written, between you and Jonny.
Regulations in some states and/or ongoing federal investigations may require Jonny to disclose certain personal information, including but not limited to bank-account numbers, Social Security numbers, previous tax records, medical histories, Internet-browsing histories, and/or investment portfolios, belonging to the recipient(s) of this memo. By reading this memo, you acknowledge and permit such disclosure.
Small personal gift may contain tracking device and/or computer viruses and/or self-destruct hardware.
Destroying, selling, disposing of, or tampering with small personal gift is a felony, punishable by a fine up to $200,000 and/or 10 years in prison.
Certain outcomes of certain investigations may require you to return your small personal gift and indefinitely deny its existence.
Small personal gift has no cash value.
All information contained in this memo is confidential. Disclosure of the information contained herein to anyone is forbidden, and may be considered to be in contempt of California state courts, federal court, and/or ongoing national-security investigations. Recipients of this memo are hereby advised that they may be monitored via video, wiretapping, and/or other forms of electronic surveillance.
Please do not reply to this memo via e-mail, as Jonny no longer has the time or the computer access necessary to check any e-mail account(s). Be advised that if you do reply to Jonny via e-mail, your reply may be monitored by private investigators and/or the FBI, the CIA, the DHS, and/or the NSA.
To schedule a personal Valentine's Day visit with Jonny, please call the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation Visitor Line, at 1-800-555-8474, between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. Refer to inmate No. 4529-98-43-0782.
Please do not forward this memo, or mention any part of it, to any relatives of Jonny.
Be advised that Valentine's Day gifts sent to Jonny (via the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation) will be searched and examined, and then sold at auction, and that the funds gained from selling said gifts will be used to fund Jonny's legal team. All such gifts are appreciated.
Recipients of this memo are required by state and federal laws to sign, date, and notarize this memo and to return it via registered, insured mail, by February 28, 2008, to Jonny's legal advisers, c/o Office of the Clerk, U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit, P.O. Box 193939, San Francisco, CA 94119. Recipients are also obligated to include their 2006 and 2007 IRS tax records. Recipients may keep blue copy for personal records, and yellow copy for legal records. All other copies must be returned.
This memo is for general Valentine's Day purposes only, and is valid in perpetuity as of February 14, 2008.
Jonny is not liable for any physical, emotional, medical, financial, legal, or psychological damage resulting from this memo.
All rights reserved. Copyright 2008, Jonny's legal advisers.
**** **** ****
[Published January 11, 2011]
HEY LADIES, CHECK OUT MY FACULTY ID
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Hey ladies, want a drink? Oh, yeah, that's my university ID. Sure, here, check it out. That's right, I'm part of the fucking faculty.
Oh, I'm no adjunct. I'm an assistant professor. I know things about this university you can't even imagine.
Do you have any idea how big my interlibrary loan privileges are? I didn't think so. I get books longer, faster, and harder.
See that: I get a free bus pass. Eat it.
And you wouldn't believe the parking privileges I get with this ID. It's badass.
My career? Let's just say my plans are consistent with the educational goals of the university. Fuck yeah.
Damn straight I'm on track for tenure. Soon enough, I'll have a dozen PhD students. We'll publish the shit out of our research.
Maybe you could work for me. If you're qualified. I'll have to see your curriculum vitae.
You can get in touch through my faculty homepage. It's yadda yadda dot E D U slash tilda faculty slash Waldman. Slick, I know.
Can you hold my cup for a second? I've got a campus map in my pocket. My office is over here, on the third floor of the department. I've got office hours on Tuesday afternoons, from 3 to 6. My door's open, especially for you.
Hold on, I just go an e-update from the University Bursar's Electronic Payroll and Benefits Service Center. Yup: the UBEPBSC. That's because my shit's electronically deposited every other Friday. Word.
Anyway, I bet you've seen my work around campus. I do multimedia partnerships. Big time.
Interdisciplinary? That's my middle fucking name.
Know anything cool going on on campus? I do. That's because I get administrative e-memos. I get faculty updates. I get press releases from the campus museum. Boomsticks!
And yeah, I know peeps on the Institutional Review Board. We're close, real close.
Actually, I know all the cool cats. Deans, department chairs, administrators, chancellors, regents, provosts -- I hang with all those peeps, even the president. We party hearty.
But get this. The Academic Review and Planning Advisory Committee? I'm on that shit. Maybe I can help you get your thesis approved. Or some other lab project. Whatever.
Like I said, you should drop by during my office hours. We could do some thought experiments.
Hey, our department holiday party is next week. You should come with me. I get two free drinks with this ID.
**** **** ****
[Unublished, 2008]
THE RULES FOR THIS DEBATE ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
Good evening from Hofstra University in New York, and welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates and by Taco Bell. I'm Jonny Waldman, a new media consultant hired by CBS News to improve ratings and viewership. Bob Schieffer declined at the last minute to host tonight's debate, which is a little bit different than the other debates, so I'm filling in.
Tonight's debate, as you can see, is the only one with a bar-room format. That's why there's a bowl of pretzels next to me, and a gin and tonic in my hand. That's also why there are no chairs in this venue. There are, however, four open bars in the corners, a boxing ring in the middle, and a dartboard and big-screen TV next to it -- but I'll get to that in a minute.
First, I'd like to thank the Gallup Organization, which has chosen two hundred uncommitted voters from local bars, and brought them here. As you can see, they are milling about the room with me. I've been here since noon, and I can report that most of the attendees are thoroughly drunk. About an hour ago a bunch of guys behind me started complaining about their plummeting stocks, and since then feelings of anger and belligerence have spread around the room. Honestly, I'm pretty pissed, too. And definitely tipsy.
As you can also see, the attendees have been given paintball guns, as well as five hundred paintball pellets, which have been marked with the official seals of every state in the Union. Pellets from red states are red, blue states are blue, and tossup states are yellow. For what it's worth, Washington, DC and U.S. territories are not represented. I'm sure a lawsuit will come of this. More on this in a minute, too.
Rest assured, this is sure to be an exciting debate!
Tonight's forum will be the debut of some amazing advances in debate technology. The candidates' handheld microphones have been modified to deliver painful electrical shocks. RFID chips have been inserted into the candidates' shoes, allowing sensors in the floor to track the candidates, so that viewers at home can follow their moves. On your screens, Senator McCain will be represented by a red Mr. Potato Head icon, and Senator Obama will be represented by a blue Barney icon. Slow-motion, high-definition cameras have been mounted throughout the room to capture the action. The candidates have been provided with puncture-resistant attire and safety glasses, though they have agreed not to throw darts at each other. The candidates have also been wired with medical sensors, so that viewers can observe their heart rate, temperature, blood-alcohol content, and breathing patterns as they answer questions and drink margaritas and react to electrical shocks while dodging paintballs and throwing darts and watching the National League playoffs -- all at the same time, right here, live, on nationally-broadcast television.
Tonight's debate will be conducted in three twentyfive-minute rounds -- I mean segments -- with two five-minute intermissions in between. During the intermissions the candidates will have the opportunity to visit the restroom, have a cup of coffee, change their clothes, or lie down -- anything but keep talking. Meanwhile, CBS News will offer instant replays, highlights, bloopers, and political analysis, while continuing to monitor the candidates' movements and medical condition. If either candidate requests a restroom visit, a coffee break, couch time, or a change of clothes during the battle -- I mean debate -- he will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim with their paintball guns. Similarly, if a candidate keeps talking during the break, he'll be shocked and deemed fair game.
Because this is the final debate, and there's so much to discuss just weeks before the election, questions will not be asked one-at-a-time, as in previous debates. Attendees will be free to yell out their questions whenever they want.
Hold on a minute, not just yet. Almost.
Additionally, candidates will only have twenty seconds to answer questions; if they go over the limit, they will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be allowed to fire their paintball guns. If the candidates dodge questions, or don't answer fully -- the same treatment; they will be shocked and paintballed. If either candidate stands still for more than ten seconds, same deal.
Unlike previous debates, this forum also encourages candidates to talk to each other at the same time, discussing political issues and beliefs the way most Americans do. I know that's how I do. If they don't, they will be zapped, and attendees will be allowed to pull their triggers. Furthermore, attendees here and voters online have submitted phrases they are tired of hearing -- which include "maverick," "my friends," "middle class," "veteran," "Kenya," "my record," "the Senate," and "voted." For the full list, go to CBSnews.com, or watch the ticker on the bottom of your screen. If any candidate mentions one of these forbidden phrases, he will be shocked, and attendees will be permitted to fire at will. As a sponsor of this debate, Taco Bell has agreed to offer one free taco to every American tomorrow if either candidate mentions the phrase, "run for the border." Last but not least, I will on occasion interrupt the questioning, and ask the candidates to update me on the baseball game, which will be playing on the big-screen TV. If a candidate is unable to authoritatively report what's been going on, he will be shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim. I have a paintball gun, too.
If, at any point, anyone here runs out of paintballs, he or she may collect five hundred more by chugging a beer in less than thirty seconds. We'll be covering this story, too.
Now, about that boxing ring right there. The candidates have agreed to remain inside it. This is in part to encourage face-to-face discussion between the two candidates, but it also to give the attendees here a good, clean shot. You'll note that Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin are also present tonight, sitting behind protective glass enclosures on opposite corners of the ring. This is because the candidates may, if necessary, "tag out," and have their respective vice-presidential candidates fill in. Once a candidate "tags out," he may not return. On your screens, Senator Biden will be represented by a blue Oscar the Grouch icon, and Governor Palin will be represented by a red Miss Piggy icon. There are additional forbidden phrases, obviously, for the VP's.
OK, just a few last rules, and then I need another gin and tonic.
Each candidate is wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, just above his heart. If a candidate's flag is hit with a paintball, the candidate will -- as you probably suspected -- be shocked and deemed an open target. Believe me, I know: the symbolism will be overwhelming. On the other hand, the candidate must not, under any circumstances, cover up his flag pin, unless he wants to be unsupportive of the troops and unpatriotic. Should that happen, he will forfeit the fight -- I mean the debate -- immediately.
At the end, we'll tally the paintball hits each candidate received, and break down what states the paintballs represented. The results won't actually mean anything, but it should make for a nice graphic.
Finally, as per bar-room-format rules, during the last thirty minutes, each candidate has taken three shots of tequila and chugged three beers, to loosen up. They are now ready to debate.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my distinct pleasure to introduce the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.
Let the games begin.
**** **** ****
[Unublished, 2009]
POST-INTERIM HEALTH ADVISORY ON ELBOW-RELATED PRECAUTIONS REGARDING THE TRANSMISSION OF SWINE FLU
"Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. If you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow; not into your hands."
--From the Interim Health Advisory on H1N1 Influenza, published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, May 19, 2009
*Minimize nudging, prodding, and elbowing. Poking is OK, as long as it's not near elbow regions.
*Decline hugs. If absolutely necessary, use modified hugging procedures (as detailed in a video on the CDC's website, www.myhealthyelbows.gov) while wearing disposable sterile elbow covers, available at most drug stores. Discard of elbow covers as you would any other biohazard.
*Refrain from reaching into long/narrow places, as accidental elbow contamination is possible.
*Discontinue certain dances: the hokey pokey, the chicken dance, all square dances, and any other dance procedure involving wild and/or aggressive elbow flagellation.
*Do not lean on, balance, or otherwise seek support via elbows, especially in public places and at tables or bars. Armrests are not OK. If exhaustion and/or fatigue make elbow leaning necessary, use CDC-approved elbow covers, and dispose of them properly.
*Forgo all yoga maneuvers incorporating moderate-to-extreme elbow use, including (but not limited to) headstands, "the plank," "the royal pigeon," "the peacock," "the monkey," "the lord of the fishes," "the frog," "the tortoise," and "the distinguished hero."
*Do not carry, hold, or transport anything, even briefly, in the crook of your arm.
*Practice good elbow hygiene by washing your elbows often with soap and water, especially after coughing or sneezing. Be sure to scrub outer elbow (medial epicondyle, or "wenis") extra well, as germs can hide in the folds of wrinkly skin. Alcohol-based elbow cleaners are also effective.
*Minimize elbow-to-body contact by modifying standing "at-ease" posture, such that inner elbows (lateral epicondyles) are not forced into ribcage. Clasping hands gently behind back is OK.
*Do not cross arms, even in critical business or social situations, or when otherwise under pressure, uncomfortable, standoffish, defensive, antagonized, confused, ponderous, or isolated. If absolutely necessary, wear sterile gloves and elbow covers, and dispose of them properly afterward.
*Do not store long-sleeved articles of clothing, such as shirts, jackets, coats, and sweaters against one another.
*Mark all contaminated clothing with CDC-approved bright yellow tags, as required by federal law. Tags are available for free at most drug stores and supermarkets.
*Keep clothing with contaminated or potentially-contaminated elbows in a separate CDC-approved "elbows only" laundry bag. Wash these items separately, in a separate washing machine, with bleach, in an isolated facility. If not possible, discard these clothes.
*Suspend mending old clothes, as installation of elbow patches, buttons, cuffs, hems, and/or zippers increases potential elbow contact scenarios.
*Remember that arm-wrestling can now be prosecuted as a Class II felony, carrying a penalty of up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $100,000.
*If you see someone practicing risky or illegal elbow behavior, call the CDC Elbow Action Hotline, at 1-(888)-MY-ELBOW, or alert a local law enforcement official by dialing 911.
*For further information and updates, consult the CDC's website on Elbow-Related Transmission of Swine Flu (ERTSF), at www.myhealthyelbows.gov.
*Talk with your health care providers about whether you should have an elbow amputation.
**** **** ****
[Unublished, 2009]
MALE ANATOMY: SPAM OR SHAKESPEARE?
1) dart of love
2) one inch wonder
3) three inch fool
4) willy
5) roger
6) huge male meat
7) thumping latoya
8. potent regiment
9) potato finger
10) codpiece
11) trouser mouse
12) great tool
13) long tool
14) good root
15) bouffant body part
16) great natural
17) poll axe
18) sword
19) weapon
20) baby carrot
21) little finger
22) one-eyed monster
23) holy thistle
24) pizzle
25) prick
26) instrument
27) organ
28) stump
29) thing
30) cock
31) winter power
32) queen size fuck stick
Answers:
1) shakespeare; 2) spam; 3) shakespeare; 4) spam; 5) shakespeare; 6) spam; 7) spam; 8) shakespeare; 9) shakespeare; 10) shakespeare; 11) spam; 12) shakespeare; 13) shakespeare; 14) shakespeare; 15) spam; 16) shakespeare; 17) shakespeare; 18) shakespeare; 19) shakespeare; 20) spam; 21) shakespeare; 22) spam; 23) shakespeare; 24) shakespeare; 25) shakespeare; 26) shakespeare; 27) shakespeare; 28) shakespeare; 29) shakespeare; 30) shakespeare; 31) spam; 32) spam